It
has been 44 days from the day I received the gift from my God, my son.
Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah. Now I know the feeling of mothers
who are having their rainbow baby. I knew the term of rainbow baby 2 months
before, as I was searching for some motivation for deliver my baby after three
losses, and found the Pregnant After Loss Support website which I have not
heard about it before. Maybe because the support group for this kind of problem
in my place has not really strong yet. But I do hope one day there will be
strong support groups for mothers who are facing pregnancy after loss in Malaysia.
Reading
the post on the website which was shared by moms who experienced successful
baby delivery after loss really touched my heart. I am glad I can view the
stories before I gave birth to my son as it really gave me additional strength.
I admit that receiving similar advices from people who have no experience of
losing their child is not helping so much. Furthermore, in my case, there are
still small number of mother who face problematic pregnancy like me and it’s
hard to find someone who understand exactly how I feel. Thanks to Allah I knew
I am not alone after I read some sharing on the website and I understand that
it is only me who can really support myself and eliminate all negativity. After
all, I knew that Allah will help me in whatever situation and He will give me
what is the best for me.
Hearing
my baby crying after I delivered him and chance to breastfeed him in the labour
room are the best moment I ever had, plus seeing the smile of my husband while
carrying the baby. This time, there is no questionable situation. No still baby
showed to me. No moment where I went to nursery to visit my baby with oxygen
therapy. Now, my baby is with me and I had chance to create bonding with him
during our stay at the hospital, as what I dream for after had my stillborn
baby. I still remember how I felt during my stay for induce labour. I keep
telling myself that this time, everything will be okay or much better than the
previous birth stories. The doctors are concern about me when they knew my
previous history. I keep making prayers to Allah for strength to face any possibilities.
I became extra cautious about my baby. Only Allah knew how its hard for not let
myself overthinking and feel negative about this pregnancy. I admit that I was
afraid to prepare the baby clothes and just bring a few put it in my bag, not
bring baby bag this time.
I
thank my husband for handling this trauma and fear together. Yeah, many feel
sorry and pity us when we share our losses; although some comments did hurt our
feeling. Some praise us for our strength and read my sharing during their
losses. Little that they knew if I am not believing in my God, I have become
crazy. Little that they knew the fear I hide inside and sudden cry I made when
I remember my kids. Our first daughter came out as fresh stillbirth. I was
overdue at 41 weeks that time and doctors said it was meconium aspiration. The
exact reason is unknown till today as I refused to perform post-mortem. I
experienced smooth labour for my second daughter but the fact that she having
chronic lung problem with Down Syndrome shocked us. Having Persistent Pulmonary
Hypertension in Newborn (PPHN) really hurt her but she tried very hard to receive
the oxygen so that we are happy enough to visit her everyday. She is a real
fighter, battled the pain until she was 4 months. We never bring her back home
except after she passed away. We knew at that time she cannot handle the pain
anymore. My third pregnancy survived until 2 month and half as the baby receive
the effect of dengue which I got. God had planned that the miscarriage happened
same time with my daughter’s last week of life. At that time, I was surprised
how strong I am to be tested with such tragedy. Lucky me I have my support
system who always helping me especially my husband and my parents.
We
admit that the tragedy in the past makes us not ready for new pregnancy but the
feeling of having a new baby and hope for being a good parent makes us decide
to conceive again. After all, we have faced the losses together; which make us
stronger. We had many test and scan to prove this baby is normal and my
pregnancy is healthy. It is kind of investment as the test and scan is not
cheap and still not become common to our society. I tried so hard to manage
stress and keep positive. I controlled my feeling to not become very excited
about the baby but hope for the best at the same time. We admit we prepare less
for the baby, and was very hesitate going to baby expo. But we decided to go to
the expo with positive mind and highest hope that everything will be ok. Actually,
not so much is required for the new baby as I had make a lot of preparation for
my two previous babies which the items are not been used yet, except there are some
expired items and I have to replace the girly things to boy theme as we know we
will have a baby boy. The preparation for those baby items is not an easy and
joyful as others feel, and we did that with prayer to Allah to make things easy
for us this time.
And
now, my baby is here with me in my room. The baby clothes, toiletries, toys, furniture,
and other items are touched and be used, different from before. I am very
grateful for this one little rainbow baby regardless the sleepless night I have
everyday and the little me time I enjoy now. I believe Allah will test us in
what we are capable with and He will reward us for what we have done and how we
manage the test. It is very important to have faith and not give up in facing
losses. We are human and we do not know what actually will we achieve in life,
what is planned for us after we tried our best for our dreams. There will be
unexpected things, good or bad which InsyaAllah will be manageable for us with
Allah’s help.
What
I learnt is be positive but expect the unpredicted things and be strong to
handle it. I expect we got healthy and normal baby, Allah gave but Allah test
us with two times admission to hospital due to jaundice and pneumonia. Alhamdulillah
I have been tested worse and I can handle the pressure for that. Now my baby,
Abdul Rahman continues gaining weight with breastfeeding and I continue to
adapt the motherhood moment and start to suit my timetable for that..with
Allah’s help.
