It has been 44 days from the day I received the gift from my God, my son. Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah. Now I know the feeling of mothers who are having their rainbow baby. I knew the term of rainbow baby 2 months before, as I was searching for some motivation for deliver my baby after three losses, and found the Pregnant After Loss Support website which I have not heard about it before. Maybe because the support group for this kind of problem in my place has not really strong yet. But I do hope one day there will be strong support groups for mothers who are facing pregnancy after loss in Malaysia.
Reading the post on the website which was shared by moms who experienced successful baby delivery after loss really touched my heart. I am glad I can view the stories before I gave birth to my son as it really gave me additional strength. I admit that receiving similar advices from people who have no experience of losing their child is not helping so much. Furthermore, in my case, there are still small number of mother who face problematic pregnancy like me and it’s hard to find someone who understand exactly how I feel. Thanks to Allah I knew I am not alone after I read some sharing on the website and I understand that it is only me who can really support myself and eliminate all negativity. After all, I knew that Allah will help me in whatever situation and He will give me what is the best for me.
Hearing my baby crying after I delivered him and chance to breastfeed him in the labour room are the best moment I ever had, plus seeing the smile of my husband while carrying the baby. This time, there is no questionable situation. No still baby showed to me. No moment where I went to nursery to visit my baby with oxygen therapy. Now, my baby is with me and I had chance to create bonding with him during our stay at the hospital, as what I dream for after had my stillborn baby. I still remember how I felt during my stay for induce labour. I keep telling myself that this time, everything will be okay or much better than the previous birth stories. The doctors are concern about me when they knew my previous history. I keep making prayers to Allah for strength to face any possibilities. I became extra cautious about my baby. Only Allah knew how its hard for not let myself overthinking and feel negative about this pregnancy. I admit that I was afraid to prepare the baby clothes and just bring a few put it in my bag, not bring baby bag this time.
I thank my husband for handling this trauma and fear together. Yeah, many feel sorry and pity us when we share our losses; although some comments did hurt our feeling. Some praise us for our strength and read my sharing during their losses. Little that they knew if I am not believing in my God, I have become crazy. Little that they knew the fear I hide inside and sudden cry I made when I remember my kids. Our first daughter came out as fresh stillbirth. I was overdue at 41 weeks that time and doctors said it was meconium aspiration. The exact reason is unknown till today as I refused to perform post-mortem. I experienced smooth labour for my second daughter but the fact that she having chronic lung problem with Down Syndrome shocked us. Having Persistent Pulmonary Hypertension in Newborn (PPHN) really hurt her but she tried very hard to receive the oxygen so that we are happy enough to visit her everyday. She is a real fighter, battled the pain until she was 4 months. We never bring her back home except after she passed away. We knew at that time she cannot handle the pain anymore. My third pregnancy survived until 2 month and half as the baby receive the effect of dengue which I got. God had planned that the miscarriage happened same time with my daughter’s last week of life. At that time, I was surprised how strong I am to be tested with such tragedy. Lucky me I have my support system who always helping me especially my husband and my parents.
We admit that the tragedy in the past makes us not ready for new pregnancy but the feeling of having a new baby and hope for being a good parent makes us decide to conceive again. After all, we have faced the losses together; which make us stronger. We had many test and scan to prove this baby is normal and my pregnancy is healthy. It is kind of investment as the test and scan is not cheap and still not become common to our society. I tried so hard to manage stress and keep positive. I controlled my feeling to not become very excited about the baby but hope for the best at the same time. We admit we prepare less for the baby, and was very hesitate going to baby expo. But we decided to go to the expo with positive mind and highest hope that everything will be ok. Actually, not so much is required for the new baby as I had make a lot of preparation for my two previous babies which the items are not been used yet, except there are some expired items and I have to replace the girly things to boy theme as we know we will have a baby boy. The preparation for those baby items is not an easy and joyful as others feel, and we did that with prayer to Allah to make things easy for us this time.
And now, my baby is here with me in my room. The baby clothes, toiletries, toys, furniture, and other items are touched and be used, different from before. I am very grateful for this one little rainbow baby regardless the sleepless night I have everyday and the little me time I enjoy now. I believe Allah will test us in what we are capable with and He will reward us for what we have done and how we manage the test. It is very important to have faith and not give up in facing losses. We are human and we do not know what actually will we achieve in life, what is planned for us after we tried our best for our dreams. There will be unexpected things, good or bad which InsyaAllah will be manageable for us with Allah’s help.
What I learnt is be positive but expect the unpredicted things and be strong to handle it. I expect we got healthy and normal baby, Allah gave but Allah test us with two times admission to hospital due to jaundice and pneumonia. Alhamdulillah I have been tested worse and I can handle the pressure for that. Now my baby, Abdul Rahman continues gaining weight with breastfeeding and I continue to adapt the motherhood moment and start to suit my timetable for that..with Allah’s help.